Thursday, September 13, 2012

Motherly Instincts


 It has been a whirlwind of emotions these past few weeks.
Our eye appointment for the boy was switched to Tuesday of this week.
We went.
It was terrible.
I cried all day.

The eye doctor told us that our boy might not be seeing well.
He didn't respond to the light as the doctor would have hoped, he didn't respond at all.
The term neurological disorder came up.
This is not a term parents want to hear.

Can my baby see?
He doesn't really look at us much.
Is he blind?

But then I step back and allow my instincts to dwell for a bit.
I know he can seem me. Every once in a while a get a smile from him.
When we walk out into the sun he squints his eyes and turns his head.
When we turn on a light he squirms.
When I show him a picture of contrasting shapes he gazes.

So why in the world at the doctor's office that day did he not react to the light?
Maybe my little guy doesn't mind light shining in his eyes.
Maybe it was just a weird coincidence.
Maybe we were being tested by God.
Maybe I need to take what doctor's say with a grain of salt. They don't know everything. He saw Finn for 5 minutes. I see him all day every day and I know what he is capable of.

He definitely isn't at a 4.5 month level but I'm sure he can see.
He may not be able to roll around yet or even hold up that big heavy head but I love him and I know he is doing his best and he will get there soon.
He may not laugh and giggle at us but I know he loves us and I know he is happy.

My instincts are telling me to relax.
Let Finn grow at his own pace.
Don't compare him to the other babies.

I look into those big dark eyes of his and I can't help but feel peace and contentment. I'm tired of all the doctor's visits and test, I'm tired of feeling like something is wrong all the time, and I'm tired of reacting to what the doctors and nurses tell me.
I just want to love and enjoy him.

And that's just what I'm going to do.



6 comments:

  1. Oh Lyss...I hope you know just how much I have been thinking about you and praying for you since your last post about little Finn. He is such a sweet little stud. I barely know him, and I absolutely love him to pieces!!!
    I am glad you have decided to stop comparing him to other babies...they all grow at their own pace. Even my Stella is behind on some things. He is just FINN - and we love him that way!! I can't wait to see him next week (hopefully you can be there!) I just want to give him so many hugs and kisses!!
    Please know that you are literally one of the best moms I have EVER met...and that is the honest truth!! Love you both!

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  2. well calling won't help since i am crying so hard i can barely function. damn hormones. lyss, you have never been one to compare. never. you have never cared what anyone else thinks besides you. keep trusting that. even if finn can't see...so what. i am legally blind. i had glasses in first grade. purple ones. they were called tutti frutti. so cool. finn is his own little man and he will do what he pleases when he can and you get to enjoy all the time he is postponing going to college, going on a mission, and getting married. can't wait for that post. i love you. you are in our prayers.

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  3. That is exactly the appropriate course to take. Even if it all ends up being true, it doesn't change the core fact that he is your son, you love him, and he is perfect the way he is. We do what we need to for Sarah but I certainly don't stress about it. Sometimes I stress about the potential cost of it all, but we have always been provided with a means to take care of our family. Approach one piece at a time. If he needs something, make it happen. But he is still very young. His bodily systems are still very immature. You and Noah are fabulous parents and little Finn will develop how he is meant to. You are doing the right thing! ♥

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  4. Little Finn is so beautiful and I'm sure those big sparkling eyes see amazing things, especially his loving mom and dad!

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  5. I feel so sad :( But he is sooooo cute!

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